The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
