When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
