I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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