seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
