Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
