So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
