watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
