i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
