Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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