i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
NoShamevember. You game?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
