After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
