this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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