I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
