you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
