i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
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