I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
