I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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