You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
