"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
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I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
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Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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