Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
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his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
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I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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