I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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