Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
