Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
