Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
