Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
