You're my little dorito
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
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My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
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Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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