I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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