I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
