I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
