i just snorted my name. best moment ever
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
