Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
