I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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