Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
