My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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