I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
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I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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