Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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