I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
