Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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