This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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