he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
