You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
