That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
