I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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