I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
