i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
