so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
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he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
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The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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