I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
