her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
