I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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