well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
