I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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