So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He passed out mid-signature
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
