Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
