My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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