So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
