Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
